I will be 50 next month. At 49, I see the long road ahead and behind me too. I see the wrong turns, U-turns, detours, sidetracks, backtracks and ruts I've landed in or chosen. I have only been married once and this one's moving into its 27the year. Many of the wear on my tires is due to marriage miles. Not necessarily because of the guy who wears my ring, but mostly due to the misnomers that I've believed about marriage. I guess you could say my expectations were wrong. Here's the best advice anyone has ever given me about marriage: change your mind and bite your tongue. Here's how it's worked for me.

  He comes down dressed for our date in his work boots because they are comfortable as he says, 'who knows if I might have to change a tire'. I'd have preferred something dressier and at one time would have made a federal case out of it. Bite your tongue.

  He throws a tantrum because he can't separate the coffee filters. I do not appreciate tantrums and at one time would have thrown one of my own. Bite your tongue.

  The trim he promised to install two years ago, is still not put up on the upstairs landing. Nag and whine? Tempting, but too much work. Bite my tongue. Until he scratches his ankle on the raw, untrimmed wood, then permit myself a smirk.

  He yells at me because he can't find his socks. Tell him what he can do with his socks or go in, open the drawer, pull them out. Or Bite my tongue and ignore till he gets the hint to ask nicely.

 While scolding me for 'taking the long way and wasting gas', he runs a stop sign. Protest, defend myself and pout?Heck no! Bite my tongue but laugh like crazy.

  He spends Saturday drinking beer and lounging when I wanted the porch painted. Empty the beer bottle down the drain? Nah--bite my tongue grab a glass of wine and join him.

  He's made supper and it's sausage. Again. Complain? I'll just bite my tongue and serve him chicken breasts and tuna casserole all next week.

  Don't get me wrong. I'm no saintly martyr. I find sweet, 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth' women pretty sickening. I don't say that I can manage the 'bite my tongue' approach all the time. There's still a decent amount of the shrew left in me. I don't say that biting my tongue should be carte blanche. Sometimes, I should say something. I do know that I feel better when I don't waste time on complaining, tantrums, nagging and fighting. And what goes around, comes around. He's biting his tongue a lot more now, too. 

Mental Health: How Being an Empath Can Ruin Relationships

14 years ago, I discovered I'm an empath. I always knew, even as a child, that I felt others pain, but it was good to discover that intense sensitivity had a name. Empath Guide defines it well: Criticism, suffering, hurt, humiliation, shame are hard enough for me to bear. Watching others feel them is agonizing. Knowing I'm an empath explains a lot about my interpersonal struggles. It can ruin or heal relationships. Mental Health: How Being an Empath Can Ruin Relationships

What's Wrong With Adults "Friending" Kids Facebook?

Facebook and social networks are bubbles whose ramifications on relationships have yet to be defined. What's appropriate and what's not? There are grey areas in digital interactions, particularly with kids. One hot button topic is whether adults should add kids to their Facebook account. Is there anything wrong with parents "friending" their kids' friends? There can be. Obviously, not every adult with kid Facebook friends is a pedaphile, But it takes only one to ruin a kid's life (or many kids' lives). In today's world we have to err on the side of caution. Here's why.  Should Parents Add Kids' Friends on Facebook? 

Celebrate (or Just Survive) Valentine's Day when You're Single

Valentine's Day is fine for happy, committed couples. A little kitschy, with the overemphasis on superficials. But Valentine's Day can be miserable if you're single or in a dissolving relationship. How do you celebrate (or just survive) a day devoted to romantic love when you're not in a romance? Here are tips.  How to Survive Valentine's Day Alone

Nix the Mardi Gras Booze for an Easier Ash Wednesday Fast

I'm a Catholic: well not cradle Catholic-- I'm a convert. One thing I love about being Catholic is that we sure know how to celebrate life. Take Fat Tuesday (aka Mardi Gras): it's a huge Catholic lollapalooza before the solemnity of Ash Wednesday and Lent. All good Catholics, it seems gear up for the penitential season by overdoing it in the party season. I have my doubts about the wisdom of this.  Fat Tuesday Feasting Makes Ash Wednesday Fasting Harder

Parent Competition Makes for Unhealthy Relationships

I've long heard it said that parents can (and should) be able to do it all--keep a nice home, raise great kids, work full time, stay financially solvent, be healthy, etc. In 24 years of parenting four kids, I've realized that not only is that thinking flawed, it's dangerous. You can't have it all--something gives somewhere, often where you least expect it. We shouldn't expect perfection of ourselves or other parents. And most intolerable of all, is when one parent capitalize on another parent's failures to highlight her own apparently successful parenting. It's easy to pass judgement on someone else, more difficult to see our own flaws. What that boils down to is competition. And competition among parents is particularly toxic. Here's why.  Read more

Teaching kids proactive decision-making skills

One of my biggest regrets in parenting is that I didn't always think through the consequences of certain choices. I don't expect to be able to predict the future, but I wish I'd been less impetuous. To that end, I'm rethinking ways to mindfully parent kids so they learn healthier decision-making skills. Here are tips to do that. Teaching kids proactive decision-making skills

Sibling rivalry: Parenting tips to help kids get along

It makes me sad when I hear parents say their don't like each other. Not to brag (well, maybe a little), but our four kids all get along great and always have. I don't say that to be self-righteous. I don't know just why our family has so little sibling rivalry. We may just be lucky. If it had anything to do with our parenting, here's what we did. Read more  Sibling rivalry: Parenting tips to help kids get along

Teaching kids friendship skills begins with parent example

Making friends (and keeping them) is one of the most important skills kids learn. But it's not learned with textbooks or lesson plans. Building healthy relationships is a hands-on activity. When kids struggle to make friends, it's easy for to blames schools. But schools can only do so much to foster friendship skills. The best lessons begin and end at home. Here are ways parents can teach kids to make friends.  Teaching kids friendship skills begins with parent example 

How We Paid Off Our Wedding Without Incurring Debt

My husband and I are celebrating 25 years of wedded bliss this year. When we got married, we paid for the wedding, honeymoon and most of the reception ourselves. We came back from our honeymoon debt-free and I'm glad we did. Money woes are major relationship-killers. We have friends who were in divorce court before their wedding was paid off. Here are ways to avoid wedding debt. Read more

How We Got Cheap Wedding Rings (Romantically) Under $200

When we got married, my husband and I paid for our wedding and reception. To cut costs, we looked for cheap wedding rings. For less than $200 we bought an engagement ring, woman's wedding ring and man's wedding ring. And no, we didn't use pop tabs (that joke really dates me--pop tabs haven't been wedding ring size since the 80s!) Anyway, here's how. How We Got Cheap Wedding Rings (Romantically) Under $200

Meditations for OCD, Relationship Therapy

I'm a recovering obsessive-compulsive. My OCD can devastate my relationships if I let it (and it's pretty hard not to). It cramps intimacy and turns me into an irritable, irritating drone. Every case of OCD manifests itself a little differently--for me, time (or feeling the lack thereof) is a big OCD trigger. I'm consumed with urgency. I feel overwhelmed by responsibilities (many self-imposed). I'm driven by anxious thoughts that I'm behind and can't get caught up. If you struggle with OCD like this, here are some meditations I've developed. I repeat these when I feel an OCD mind-storm brewing. Meditations for Time-Driven Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Thinking

Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Engagement

Starting a relationship with significant other can bring much happiness. As with marriage, there's a honeymoon phase where you float above problems and always get along. But the honeymoon doesn't last forever. And if some ground rules are put in place early on, the relationship will crumble quickly. As the relationship progresses and depending on what level it gets to, more definition may be added. Here are some basic must-have ground rules to start with. Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Engagement

The Importance of Boundaries and Road Signs in Relationships

Navigating relationships with significant others or spouses is a lot like driving on back roads. There are few stoplights, street markers or warnings posted. You only know you're in a blind alley, pitfalls or wrong turn when it's too late. In relationships, the only warning signs are those partners erect themselves and, as with traffic signals,they're usually not erected until an accident has occurred.  The Importance of Boundaries and Road Signs in Relationships

How Addiction and Codependency Distort Relationships

Anyone who has lived with addiction of any kind knows that addictive behavior affects everyone around them in unhealthy ways. In some relationships, addiction creates a counter-condition called "codependency." A codependent makes unhealthy behavior changes to accommodate the addict. Codependency and addiction are equal and opposite in unhealthiness. They reflect imbalance and distortion in these areas. How Addiction and Codependency Distort Relationships

Relationship Reflections from 25 Years of (Pretty Much) Wedded Bliss

My husband and I are celebrating 25 years of (mostly) wedded bliss today. On July 18, 1987, I was going on 24 and he was going on 25. We were ignorant, idealistic and ridiculously romantic. A quarter of a century, we still are and I think that might be what's kept us together.

We've each only been married once, to each other, which makes us (some have told me) a rare breed. (I might say "more like a piece of work!"). We've been asked (I blush every time) for the secret of our success. I always quip "we fight all the time!" That's only partly jest. With four kids, money struggles, crazy schedules, work-a-holic tendencies, job woes, health setbacks, two lost babies, a old crumbling house, old cars (which we share) and a DIY-of-necessity lifestyle, I guess it's to be expected. And relationships get gritty in and of themselves without any help from outside stresses.Relationship Reflections from 25 Years of (Pretty Much) Wedded Bliss

Parenting (and surviving) teen relationship drama

As a mom, I'm generally confident handling childhood hurdles--potty-training, picky eaters, night frights--bring 'em on. There's one issue that shakes my equanimity--teen relationship drama. Whether they're boyfriend-girlfriend connections or same-gender friendships, teenage relationships are often fraught with drama and drenched in anxiety. Frankly, I rather beard a lion in its den than deal with drama. Even the term sets my teeth on edge. Disagreeable as they are, relationship problems are part of life. After four kids (and a lot of trial and error), I've assembled some thoughts for parents on helping kids navigate peer relationships.  How to parent teens through relationship drama without going crazy - Yahoo! Shine

How Addiction and Codependency Distort Relationships

Anyone who has lived with addiction of any kind knows that addictive behavior affects everyone around them in unhealthy ways. In some relationships, addiction creates a counter-condition called "codependency." A codependent makes unhealthy behavior changes to accommodate the addict. Codependency and addiction are equal and opposite in unhealthiness. They reflect imbalance and distortion in these areas.   How Addiction and Codependency Distort Relationships

How to argue, fight (safe and healthy) with your partner, spouse

There's a misnomer in parenting intelligentsia that mom and dad should never argue around the kids. This myth is not only unrealistic and unfair, it's unhealthy. Disagreements are normal. Kids need to see their parents squabble to learn communication and interaction skills. Obviously, there are cleaner ways to fight, but even messy battles provide learning opportunities. Here are some healthy "fight club" rules for parents.  Healthy 'fight club' rules for parents 

Teaching kids healthy communication, interpersonal skills by modeling

 Have you ever observed a parent shouting at a child to settle down? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. The only thing this child is learning is that mommy yells, so yelling must be the right way to communicate. Hypocritical behavior like this not only jeopardizes the parent's relationship with the child, but the child's ability to form healthy relationships. These habits doom other relationships, too. This is just one troublesome parenting communication fail. Here are some others, along with healthier ways to help kids learn to get along.Teaching kids healthy communication, interpersonal skills by modeling