I will be 50 next month. At 49, I see the long road ahead and behind me too. I see the wrong turns, U-turns, detours, sidetracks, backtracks and ruts I've landed in or chosen. I have only been married once and this one's moving into its 27the year. Many of the wear on my tires is due to marriage miles. Not necessarily because of the guy who wears my ring, but mostly due to the misnomers that I've believed about marriage. I guess you could say my expectations were wrong. Here's the best advice anyone has ever given me about marriage: change your mind and bite your tongue. Here's how it's worked for me.

  He comes down dressed for our date in his work boots because they are comfortable as he says, 'who knows if I might have to change a tire'. I'd have preferred something dressier and at one time would have made a federal case out of it. Bite your tongue.

  He throws a tantrum because he can't separate the coffee filters. I do not appreciate tantrums and at one time would have thrown one of my own. Bite your tongue.

  The trim he promised to install two years ago, is still not put up on the upstairs landing. Nag and whine? Tempting, but too much work. Bite my tongue. Until he scratches his ankle on the raw, untrimmed wood, then permit myself a smirk.

  He yells at me because he can't find his socks. Tell him what he can do with his socks or go in, open the drawer, pull them out. Or Bite my tongue and ignore till he gets the hint to ask nicely.

 While scolding me for 'taking the long way and wasting gas', he runs a stop sign. Protest, defend myself and pout?Heck no! Bite my tongue but laugh like crazy.

  He spends Saturday drinking beer and lounging when I wanted the porch painted. Empty the beer bottle down the drain? Nah--bite my tongue grab a glass of wine and join him.

  He's made supper and it's sausage. Again. Complain? I'll just bite my tongue and serve him chicken breasts and tuna casserole all next week.

  Don't get me wrong. I'm no saintly martyr. I find sweet, 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth' women pretty sickening. I don't say that I can manage the 'bite my tongue' approach all the time. There's still a decent amount of the shrew left in me. I don't say that biting my tongue should be carte blanche. Sometimes, I should say something. I do know that I feel better when I don't waste time on complaining, tantrums, nagging and fighting. And what goes around, comes around. He's biting his tongue a lot more now, too. 

Parent Competition Makes for Unhealthy Relationships

I've long heard it said that parents can (and should) be able to do it all--keep a nice home, raise great kids, work full time, stay financially solvent, be healthy, etc. In 24 years of parenting four kids, I've realized that not only is that thinking flawed, it's dangerous. You can't have it all--something gives somewhere, often where you least expect it. We shouldn't expect perfection of ourselves or other parents. And most intolerable of all, is when one parent capitalize on another parent's failures to highlight her own apparently successful parenting. It's easy to pass judgement on someone else, more difficult to see our own flaws. What that boils down to is competition. And competition among parents is particularly toxic. Here's why.  Read more

Relationship Reflections from 25 Years of (Pretty Much) Wedded Bliss

My husband and I are celebrating 25 years of (mostly) wedded bliss today. On July 18, 1987, I was going on 24 and he was going on 25. We were ignorant, idealistic and ridiculously romantic. A quarter of a century, we still are and I think that might be what's kept us together.

We've each only been married once, to each other, which makes us (some have told me) a rare breed. (I might say "more like a piece of work!"). We've been asked (I blush every time) for the secret of our success. I always quip "we fight all the time!" That's only partly jest. With four kids, money struggles, crazy schedules, work-a-holic tendencies, job woes, health setbacks, two lost babies, a old crumbling house, old cars (which we share) and a DIY-of-necessity lifestyle, I guess it's to be expected. And relationships get gritty in and of themselves without any help from outside stresses.Relationship Reflections from 25 Years of (Pretty Much) Wedded Bliss

Parenting (and surviving) teen relationship drama

As a mom, I'm generally confident handling childhood hurdles--potty-training, picky eaters, night frights--bring 'em on. There's one issue that shakes my equanimity--teen relationship drama. Whether they're boyfriend-girlfriend connections or same-gender friendships, teenage relationships are often fraught with drama and drenched in anxiety. Frankly, I rather beard a lion in its den than deal with drama. Even the term sets my teeth on edge. Disagreeable as they are, relationship problems are part of life. After four kids (and a lot of trial and error), I've assembled some thoughts for parents on helping kids navigate peer relationships.  How to parent teens through relationship drama without going crazy - Yahoo! Shine

How to argue, fight (safe and healthy) with your partner, spouse

There's a misnomer in parenting intelligentsia that mom and dad should never argue around the kids. This myth is not only unrealistic and unfair, it's unhealthy. Disagreements are normal. Kids need to see their parents squabble to learn communication and interaction skills. Obviously, there are cleaner ways to fight, but even messy battles provide learning opportunities. Here are some healthy "fight club" rules for parents.  Healthy 'fight club' rules for parents 

Teaching kids healthy communication, interpersonal skills by modeling

 Have you ever observed a parent shouting at a child to settle down? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. The only thing this child is learning is that mommy yells, so yelling must be the right way to communicate. Hypocritical behavior like this not only jeopardizes the parent's relationship with the child, but the child's ability to form healthy relationships. These habits doom other relationships, too. This is just one troublesome parenting communication fail. Here are some others, along with healthier ways to help kids learn to get along.Teaching kids healthy communication, interpersonal skills by modeling 

Emotional Health Help: When to Fight Back

Emotional Health Help: When Not to Bite Your Tongue and How to Fight Back Without Getting Toxic
I've always said, 'write when you are passionate about an issue, even and especially if the passion is anger.' Sometimes in anger, it's best to 'bite your tongue'; sometimes a good, non-toxic tongue-lashing is necessary.
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Intimacy and Communication Issues: Avoid Family Comparison and Criticism

Dating and Relationship Issues: Avoid Family Criticism and Comparison
Family interaction can be a big issue in new relationships. Depending upon the ages and family structure of both partners, family may play a key role, positively or negatively, in relationships. How can couples interact positively within their families?
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