I will be 50 next month. At 49, I see the long road ahead and behind me too. I see the wrong turns, U-turns, detours, sidetracks, backtracks and ruts I've landed in or chosen. I have only been married once and this one's moving into its 27the year. Many of the wear on my tires is due to marriage miles. Not necessarily because of the guy who wears my ring, but mostly due to the misnomers that I've believed about marriage. I guess you could say my expectations were wrong. Here's the best advice anyone has ever given me about marriage: change your mind and bite your tongue. Here's how it's worked for me.

  He comes down dressed for our date in his work boots because they are comfortable as he says, 'who knows if I might have to change a tire'. I'd have preferred something dressier and at one time would have made a federal case out of it. Bite your tongue.

  He throws a tantrum because he can't separate the coffee filters. I do not appreciate tantrums and at one time would have thrown one of my own. Bite your tongue.

  The trim he promised to install two years ago, is still not put up on the upstairs landing. Nag and whine? Tempting, but too much work. Bite my tongue. Until he scratches his ankle on the raw, untrimmed wood, then permit myself a smirk.

  He yells at me because he can't find his socks. Tell him what he can do with his socks or go in, open the drawer, pull them out. Or Bite my tongue and ignore till he gets the hint to ask nicely.

 While scolding me for 'taking the long way and wasting gas', he runs a stop sign. Protest, defend myself and pout?Heck no! Bite my tongue but laugh like crazy.

  He spends Saturday drinking beer and lounging when I wanted the porch painted. Empty the beer bottle down the drain? Nah--bite my tongue grab a glass of wine and join him.

  He's made supper and it's sausage. Again. Complain? I'll just bite my tongue and serve him chicken breasts and tuna casserole all next week.

  Don't get me wrong. I'm no saintly martyr. I find sweet, 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth' women pretty sickening. I don't say that I can manage the 'bite my tongue' approach all the time. There's still a decent amount of the shrew left in me. I don't say that biting my tongue should be carte blanche. Sometimes, I should say something. I do know that I feel better when I don't waste time on complaining, tantrums, nagging and fighting. And what goes around, comes around. He's biting his tongue a lot more now, too. 

Teaching kids proactive decision-making skills

One of my biggest regrets in parenting is that I didn't always think through the consequences of certain choices. I don't expect to be able to predict the future, but I wish I'd been less impetuous. To that end, I'm rethinking ways to mindfully parent kids so they learn healthier decision-making skills. Here are tips to do that. Teaching kids proactive decision-making skills

How We Paid Off Our Wedding Without Incurring Debt

My husband and I are celebrating 25 years of wedded bliss this year. When we got married, we paid for the wedding, honeymoon and most of the reception ourselves. We came back from our honeymoon debt-free and I'm glad we did. Money woes are major relationship-killers. We have friends who were in divorce court before their wedding was paid off. Here are ways to avoid wedding debt. Read more

Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Engagement

Starting a relationship with significant other can bring much happiness. As with marriage, there's a honeymoon phase where you float above problems and always get along. But the honeymoon doesn't last forever. And if some ground rules are put in place early on, the relationship will crumble quickly. As the relationship progresses and depending on what level it gets to, more definition may be added. Here are some basic must-have ground rules to start with. Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Engagement

Relationship Reflections from 25 Years of (Pretty Much) Wedded Bliss

My husband and I are celebrating 25 years of (mostly) wedded bliss today. On July 18, 1987, I was going on 24 and he was going on 25. We were ignorant, idealistic and ridiculously romantic. A quarter of a century, we still are and I think that might be what's kept us together.

We've each only been married once, to each other, which makes us (some have told me) a rare breed. (I might say "more like a piece of work!"). We've been asked (I blush every time) for the secret of our success. I always quip "we fight all the time!" That's only partly jest. With four kids, money struggles, crazy schedules, work-a-holic tendencies, job woes, health setbacks, two lost babies, a old crumbling house, old cars (which we share) and a DIY-of-necessity lifestyle, I guess it's to be expected. And relationships get gritty in and of themselves without any help from outside stresses.Relationship Reflections from 25 Years of (Pretty Much) Wedded Bliss

How to argue, fight (safe and healthy) with your partner, spouse

There's a misnomer in parenting intelligentsia that mom and dad should never argue around the kids. This myth is not only unrealistic and unfair, it's unhealthy. Disagreements are normal. Kids need to see their parents squabble to learn communication and interaction skills. Obviously, there are cleaner ways to fight, but even messy battles provide learning opportunities. Here are some healthy "fight club" rules for parents.  Healthy 'fight club' rules for parents 

Teaching kids healthy communication, interpersonal skills by modeling

 Have you ever observed a parent shouting at a child to settle down? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. The only thing this child is learning is that mommy yells, so yelling must be the right way to communicate. Hypocritical behavior like this not only jeopardizes the parent's relationship with the child, but the child's ability to form healthy relationships. These habits doom other relationships, too. This is just one troublesome parenting communication fail. Here are some others, along with healthier ways to help kids learn to get along.Teaching kids healthy communication, interpersonal skills by modeling 

Teaching kids healthy communication, interpersonal skills by modeling

Have you ever observed a parent shouting at a child to settle down? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. The only thing this child is learning is that mommy yells, so yelling must be the right way to communicate. Hypocritical behavior like this not only jeopardizes the parent's relationship with the child, but the child's ability to form healthy relationships. These habits doom other relationships, too. This is just one troublesome parenting communication fail. Here are some others, along with healthier ways to help kids learn to get along.  Teaching kids healthy communication, interpersonal skills by modeling

How My OCD Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Affects My Relationships

 The term OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) is often used to describe perfectionist behavior. While people with OCD may just seem overly organized, Medscape says OCD behavior stems from pervasive psychological pain, anxiety and "distressing intrusive obsessive thoughts."

Intrusive and distressing, these thoughts certainly are. I wasn't diagnosed with OCD until adulthood, but I recognize now that I've had OCD since early childhood. Here's a picture of what OCD feels to me and how it affects my relationship with my husband, kids and loved ones. Hopefully, this insight will help you if you're living with a person with OCD or if you experience it yourself. I've included ideas on what's helped me, too. How I Experience and Cope with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder 

Relationship Glue Recipe: How to Keep a Marriage or Any Relationship Solid

In a few months, I'll celebrate 25 years of marriage to my first and only husband. When people ask about our recipe for relationship glue, I point out that we've made every mistake in the book and probably invented some. The failures, especially those we knowingly committed (and learned from), have taught us much more than any successes, particularly accidental ones. These are our classic "been there, done that" communication mistakes, along with bits of wisdom we've gained from those mistakes. Read more at Relationship Glue Recipe: How to Keep a Marriage (or any Relationship) Solid

Post-Holiday Letdown and Relationship Health

It's one of life's enigmas; the winter holiday season, which is supposed to bring the greatest joy, sometimes causes more feelings of depression and anxiety. Emotional health emergencies are higher during the holidays and post-holiday letdown time. Relationships and marriages, says family therapist Rachel Sussman, often suffer holiday-related setbacks. Here's a look at holiday relationship issues, with some first-hand advice about ways to cope. Read more...

Mel and Robyn Gibson + Oksana Grigorevia Divorce Triangle: Baby Lucia?

Mel and Robyn Gibson Divorce Settlement: Good Will Assets and Oksana Grigorieva Baby Lucia
As settlement for Mel and Robyn Gibson's divorce nears completion, several issues are still in question. Will Icon Trust, Mel and Robyn's children's trust fund cover Oksana Grigorieva's baby Lucia. Do 'good will assets' mean Robyn gets less support?
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Is Your Partner Cheating on You? How to know if he's unfaithful

How to Tell If Your Partner is Cheating on You
Is your spouse cheating? Before we look at the warning signs, let me clarify that even if your partner is exhibiting one (or all) of these symptoms, he may not be cheating on you. These warning signs can indicate other problems as well.
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Dating, Marriage and Relationships: Give and Take

Dating, Marriage and Relationships: Give and Take vs. Givers and Takers
You've heard that marriage is 50-50. Actually, marriage is more like 110-110. Both partners in a relationship have to give much more than 'mediocre' to achieve a reasonably healthy relationship. Marriage works with give and take, not givers and takers.
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Wedded Bliss vs. Marriage Blahs and Blues

How to Keep Your Marriage Alive and Live Happily Ever After
"Happily ever after." Three words that are supposed to sum up marriage. Is your married life full of wedded bliss, blues or just blahs? Here are tips from a 23-year marriage veteran on how to keep your marriage alive and live happily ever after.
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AA and Al-Anon Slogan and Recovery: Live and Let Live

AA and Al-Anon Slogans: Live and Let Live
I write on a variety of topics and it touching to see how many requests and searches I get for 'AA Slogans' and Al-Anon Slogans'. Al-Anon slogans offer that boost of strength so many of us need for recovery. 'Live and Let Live' is extremely helpful.
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How to Get Your Kids to Like Your New Boyfriend or Girlfriend

How to Get Your Kids to Accept Your New Lover or Spouse
I'm not going to mince words in this article. If you are divorced with kids and in a new relationship, there are a few things you need to know about parenting with another spouse or lover. What can you expect of your kids?
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Why 'The Bachelor' Couples Jake Pavelka/ Vienna Girardi and Jillian Harris/ Ed Swiderski Split Up

Why Jake Pavelka and Vienna, Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski and so Many 'Bachelor' Couples Split
Last week 'The Bachelor' season 14 couple Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi split; now it's Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski (s. 13) turn to bid farewell. Why is it that some many couples on 'The Bachelor'/ 'The Bachelorette' fail?
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Emotional Health Help: When to Fight Back

Emotional Health Help: When Not to Bite Your Tongue and How to Fight Back Without Getting Toxic
I've always said, 'write when you are passionate about an issue, even and especially if the passion is anger.' Sometimes in anger, it's best to 'bite your tongue'; sometimes a good, non-toxic tongue-lashing is necessary.
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Intimacy and Communication Issues: Avoid Family Comparison and Criticism

Dating and Relationship Issues: Avoid Family Criticism and Comparison
Family interaction can be a big issue in new relationships. Depending upon the ages and family structure of both partners, family may play a key role, positively or negatively, in relationships. How can couples interact positively within their families?
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